What’s Your Why?
Have you ever been asked this question? Or asked it of yourself? What’s your why for doing what you are doing something? It is a question to explore the intentions or purpose what is being done.
Is it self-serving or to serve others in some capacity. Is it to control how someone looks or feels? Is it to look for the approval of others? In recovery groups this question would be framed as “What’s your motive” for doing what you are doing.
When our motives are because we are looking for the approval of others, to control how others interact with us or even when we attempt to rescue this would be a false motive or even a self-inflating one that would be intended to manipulate others in some way.
In the Bible, Paul asks this question in Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
This is him checking his motives or asking himself “What’s my Why?” for doing what I am doing. He is telling us here that at some point in his life he was trying to win the approval of others and please people. But he learned his Why needs to be focused on winning the approval of God, regardless of the approval from others.
Now Paul had learned to do this likely by applying scripture from Lamentations 3:40 that reads “Let us examine our ways and test them and let us return to the Lord.” Or Psalms 133:23-24 “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”
This sounds like it was easy for Paul when we read it, but we think it is not so easy for us. We strive to “make people happy” and to assure our fears of being disapproved, rejected, or unloved by keeping our focus on others. This is co-dependency, which is a term used to understand unhealthy relationship patterns.
Co-dependent Anonymous offers a list of common attitudes and behavior patterns members have observed in their own lives.
Denial Patterns
Co-dependents often...
have difficult indentify what they are feelings.
minimize, alter or deny how they truly feel.
perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self-esteem Patterns
Co-dependents often...
have difficulty making decisions.
judge what they think, say or do harshley, as never good enough
are embarrassered to receive recognition, praise or gifts.
are unable to dientyf or ask for what they need and want.
value others’ approval of their thinking, feeling, and behavior over their own.
do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
Compliance Patterns
Co-dependents often...
compromise their values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people’s anger.
are very sensitive to other’s feelings and assume the same feelings.
are extremely local, remainng in harmful situations too long.
place a higher value on other’s opinions and feelings and are afraid to express differeing viewpoints or feelings.
put aside their own interest in order to do what others want.
accept sex as a substitute for love.
Control Patterns
Co-dependents often...
believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.
have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
Avoidance Patterns
Co-dependents often...
act in ways that invite others to reject, shame or express anger towards them.
judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy to avoid feeling vulnerable.
allow addictions to people, places and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships
used indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
beliee displays of emotional are a sign of weakness.
(source: coda.org)
As you explore this list and use the scripture to self-reflect on what is your why you will begin seeing yourself authenic in your relationship with God, yourself, and others.
